The Sweet 16 that Started it All…
My Sweet 16
September 3, 2006
(one month prior to my bipolar diagnosis)
For many years the association with my Sweet 16 and my diagnosis festered, leaving me with regret and wonder of the cause and effect of the two. I never really moved pass the Sweet 16. I remained stuck in time, looking through photos and often rewatching the professional DVD documenting its every greatness. It had become a sort of birthday tradition for me. The problem, however, was I did not reflect to reminisce on good times, but rather search for the answers not even God holds.
I have since removed the multitude of photos from this day. This album entitled, "Dream do come true..." is stored on a shelf, in an effort to maintain some happiness of this day.
I understand now that the two are completely unrelated but instead, mere coincidence that when put together created a better story than the one I was living. With or without a grand Sweet 16, I had bipolar disorder. I’ve adopted an understanding of this illness to be a part of me - something that I was most likely born with. Still, I have wondered if this onset of manic and depressive episodes was triggered by a birthday, I spent way too many years glorifying.
Today, I try not to think much about the past. For me, in order to accept the life I have now, I have needed to move forward. A lot of this has come from years in therapy. Bipolar disorder is not a punishment. Realizing this gave me a sense of freedom, I yearned for. My illness is not a result of nazar or bad karma. What I have learned this year, especially, is letting go of the girl I once was and her dreams, FREED ME, allowing me to create new dreams and unlock my greatest potential. Letting go of the past, gives me a future, which is so much more than I could ever have hoped for. Just a few years ago, I was drowning in my own ideations, blinded from any prospect of a future, let alone an upcoming birthday.
Learning to find joy in the simpler things - like my love for Barbie collecting.
Today, I choose the present in every form. Here are my affirmations for year 34:
I will stay in the moment, keeping my thoughts where I stand.
I will only judge myself as I am today.
Letting go of who I once was, lets me LOVE who I am now.
